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Comment by JJJ23 on May 20, 2020 at 2:12pm

Can we all start referring to Gisele as Gisele "El Chupacabra" Bundchen?

Comment by Treeshadow on May 20, 2020 at 10:14am

I bet when sea turtles have kinky sex the safe phrase is, "plastic bag."

Comment by Mike McHuman on May 5, 2020 at 11:27am

In San Diego, you can't use golf carts on the golf course. So, I am wondering: how will I get my exercise now?

Comment by JJJ23 on May 1, 2020 at 3:07pm

It's been a while since I got laid, I was in a narrow store aisle and I did that thing with this young woman where I was trying to step out her way, she tries to step out of my way, I end up walking right into her and I almost had a #metoo movement.

Comment by MacSpruce on April 28, 2020 at 7:51pm

The cult of Trump: First you drink the Kool-aid, then you drink the Lysol.

Comment by Treeshadow on April 28, 2020 at 1:56pm

Has Yoda ever said, "Yadda-yadda-yadda?" Has anyone ever said, in Pig Latin, "ixNay ixoNay."

Comment by JJJ23 on April 26, 2020 at 11:04pm

If you go to shake someone's hand and they go for a fist bump, then you change to fist bump as they're changing to handshake, I think the proper response is to then do the scissors hand motion.

Comment by JJJ23 on April 25, 2020 at 7:47pm

Mr. Oblivious: "Tiger Woods, more like tiger jungle, right? Tiger's are from the jungle, y'all see that Tiger King? Tiger's are in India too they say. India, it's more like NativeAmericaia, you know. Indiana is also a place."

Comment by JJJ23 on April 25, 2020 at 5:50pm

Mr Oblivious: "I went over to the Catholic church to check it out, kick the tires and all, and they're all calling the preacher guy Father, but then it turns out he ain't got no kids. He's not even married. In fact it seemed like the kids that were there were all kinda uncomfortable around him."

Comment by JJJ23 on April 25, 2020 at 5:40pm

Mr. Oblivious: "There's a writer Sylvia Plath, she wrote a thing about this fig tree and the figs were supposed to like represent different career and life paths she could take, but she's watching them get old and fall off the tree out of her indecision. But then they say a fig Newton ain't a cookie it's fruit and cake, but that's not what cake is. That lady put her head oven though. And then ovens that's where the cakes come from. I think that Cam Newton's overrated."

Comment by JJJ23 on April 25, 2020 at 5:29pm

Mr. Oblivious: "You know they call her Mini Mouse, but she's bout the same size as Mickey. Mouses ain't like that no way. They don't talk."

Comment by JJJ23 on April 25, 2020 at 5:23pm

Mr. Oblivious: "I went down to the ball field, this kid Braden he's all bragging said his dad's taking him out to get pizza for his birthday. I said, "that ain't your dad". Cause I know the guy that's been banging his mom for years from the bar, and he looks just like that guy, I told him. Anyway he's all crying and runs off. Felt like maybe I crossed some kinda line."

Comment by JJJ23 on April 25, 2020 at 5:08pm

Here's the debut of my new character Mr. Oblivious, he's like Captain Obvious but sort of the opposite.

"You know just when you think the coronavirus is really bad here comes this COVID-19."

Comment by Treeshadow on April 20, 2020 at 2:34pm

"ATTENTION, SHOPPERS, THERE IS A PANDEMIC SALE IN AISLE FIVE."

Comment by JJJ23 on April 18, 2020 at 11:56am

In these troubled times it's important to remember that we're a nation of imbeciles who elected a rich real estate huckster in to the most powerful position in the world. If a tree falls in the woods and there's no one around to hear it, I mean, are woods even real?

Comment by Ian on April 14, 2020 at 4:32am

This Halloween I'm going to be Ash from Alien.  All I need to do is dunk my head in some milk for a second and roll up a smut mag. 

Comment by JJJ23 on April 13, 2020 at 8:41am

On Saturday, SNL did an idea I came up with, it's called Middle Aged Mutant Ninja Turtles, and wrote here on open mic September 2012. So that's kinda cool.

Comment by Treeshadow on April 6, 2020 at 6:46pm

Got groceries today. Wore a mask. Haven't felt that vulnerable since my Turkish prison days. Not my fault, I thought he meant, "Deliver this corned beef hash."

Comment by Treeshadow on April 5, 2020 at 9:34pm

Are there outhouses in the Outback? Are there ottomans in Ottowa? Do people in Wala Wala stutter?

Comment by Mike McHuman on March 31, 2020 at 9:51pm

My air guitar looks more like air jerking off. But, then again, doesn't all air guitar look like air jerking off?

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