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Comment by Mike McHuman on February 14, 2016 at 2:51pm

The Emmy Awards is one big commercial about television on television with commercials.

Comment by Gerhardguffaw on January 20, 2016 at 1:30pm

Donald Trump, Rand Paul and Bernie Sanders walk into a barber...

Comment by Iverneil on January 20, 2016 at 9:04am

My doctor asked me for a stool sample and I said "Oh god!! that's going to taste awful!!!"

Comment by JJJ23 on January 1, 2016 at 1:01pm

Here's an idea I had for a new game/sport for kids, it's called We're Throwing Bricks At Each Other!. You get a bunch of kids(a dozen or so ideally) and each kid gets one brick. Each round begins with the shout of "Go!" by the referee. The kids run around in a field and throw bricks at each other, when someone goes down they're out for that round. After the game begins you can pick up as many bricks as you want that have been thrown and you can also steal bricks off kids holding them. You can't knock people over physically, players have to be felled by bricks or falling on their own to be out of the round. You can not hit a player directly with a brick that's still in your hand, cause hey, we're not punching bricks into kids' skulls here, We're Throwing Bricks At Each Other! The round is over when only one child remains standing, at which point the last child has won that round and he/she/and/or/it can now at their leisure decide when to begin the next round. The next round begins when the winner of the previous round shouts "What Are We Doing?", with the response from the players/children on the ground being one of the following two statements, 1. "Yeah, What Are We Doing? This Is Fucking Stupid." or 2. "We're Throwing Bricks At Each Other!". If every felled player utters statement 1 the game is over, and the winner of the previous round wins the game, but if even one player bequothes statement 2 all players will go onto the next round(unless you want to quit, you can quit at any time, but can't rejoin until the next game begins). Each player begins the next round with one brick, except the previous rounds winner who starts with as many bricks as they were still holding from last round. The first player to win three rounds wins the game, or if it's down to two then last man standing wins, or if one kid is the only one to not quit they win. A responsible adult should be on hand to stand as referee but a mostly sober homeless person will suffice. Good luck out there kids, keep your heads down, and as always Murder Times! Destroy! Your Father Doesn't Love You! (Remember, Death is temporary We're Throwing Bricks At Each Other! is forever. The flies can only have one lord!) 

p.s. Fuck you Will Smith

Comment by MacSpruce on January 1, 2016 at 9:36am

Arsonists for Sanders are 'feeling the Bern'. 

Comment by JJJ23 on December 24, 2015 at 7:04pm

I just sold my new movie script, It's called "Silent Night, Holy Shit!". It's the tale of the most miraculous poop ever shat, straight from the back end of the wee baby Jesus himself! Vin Diesel is Joseph! Ronda Rousey is Mary! Vern Troyer is A Donkey. Gene Hackman is Not In This Movie! An actual Baby Turd is The Shit! And Daniel Day-Lewis is The Sweet Newborn Christ Child! Be There!  

Comment by JJJ23 on November 24, 2015 at 7:47pm

Joss Whedon has to be so rich by now, he's gotta have like a Fillion dollars.

Comment by Mike McHuman on November 14, 2015 at 5:52pm

There are two kinds of people: those who know what they are going to say next....

Comment by JJJ23 on October 15, 2015 at 11:52am

I hate when people say "the man/woman/girl of my dreams". There's plenty of men and women in dreams. For women, if there's only ever one man in your dreams that man is the boogeyman man and you're mentally ill. Also if you met that one guy that's always in your dreams it would scare the living shit out of you.

Comment by JJJ23 on September 19, 2015 at 11:10pm

I can't be the first one who's said this but, Bruce Jenner turned himself into old Lana Del Rey, right?

Comment by Rosedude on September 11, 2015 at 2:15pm
Why do the hard-liners resist the Pope's efforts to modernize Church doctrine? Isn't he supposed to be infallible?
Comment by AKAAB on September 9, 2015 at 12:53pm

Okay, who mentioned FOD and crashed the site?

Comment by JJJ23 on September 8, 2015 at 8:12pm

Some people think that everyone gets their own personalized heaven. I like that idea, but I was thinking that for an arsonist hell would be their heaven. So the arsonist would be in church and the preacher is up there doing the fire and brimstone bit and the arsonist is in the front row just rock hard like, "Yes, I want that! That's for me! I want that to be my life!" You'd think Satan and his crew would get tired of those guys along with the masochists, but it's hell for Satan too, so, everybody's got their shit they have to deal with.

Comment by JJJ23 on September 8, 2015 at 8:05pm

But then there's the question of how many arsonists are going to get to heaven(which is hell)? And if they don't go to hell as punishment, where do they go? My guess is they go to Antarctica in penguin form.

Comment by JJJ23 on September 8, 2015 at 7:59pm

It's weird that we have two words, arsonist and pyromaniac, for the same type of nutfuck. But I like how, you know there's the phrase, "What kind of maniac are you?", and then pyromaniacs can be like, "Oh, I'm this kind of maniac. Why'd you think I was jacking off to The Towering Inferno?"

Comment by MacSpruce on August 28, 2015 at 12:13pm

It is a tale. Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury. Signifying nothing. – The Donald Trump Story

Comment by JJJ23 on August 27, 2015 at 5:44pm

Donald Trump's presidential run got me thinking of some other TV characters I'd rather see run our country. I first thought I'd like to see Kool-Aid Man become president, but he's terrible with infrastructure.

Comment by JJJ23 on August 20, 2015 at 5:30pm

Sinister 2: Electric Baguloo

Comment by JJJ23 on August 18, 2015 at 1:38pm

It's like the arsonist tourist always says, "When in Rome, burn that bitch down!".

Comment by JJJ23 on August 17, 2015 at 12:25pm

Me and a buddy of mine met a girl downtown and ended up having a threeway with her. We didn't really want to, but she double dong dared us.

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