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The success of the new Wonder Woman movie got me thinking, there needs to be more films with strong leading roles for women. Also, and perhaps most importantly, there's a lot money to be made! So my idea is for a movie called Wander Woman. It's set in modern day Las Vegas, a recently lobotomized woman is wandering around in urban areas, she's often wet, and sometimes being led around by people who don't seem to notice her mental state, sometimes alone just gravitating toward random objects. She in addition to being wet for the majority of the film, also speaks in chops and for long stretches not at all. She'll sometimes drool on herself, wetter, and no longer remembers how to use her bowels or bladder. She's unable to feed herself and well, it's basically the last few episodes of the Twin Peaks return but it's a young woman instead of Kyle MacLachlan. And when I say young woman I really mean a girl, ya know? In fact, just to give you a better picture, it's Alexandra Daddario from that dumb new Baywatch movie, and she's in her underwear almost the entire movie and her tits are like WaBlam! And Nearly Always Wet! Or no, maybe she's just totally naked but with like body paint bro, and then her tits are all WaPLow!!! Yeah Feminism!!! Be There!
I was gonna get me one of those fidget spinners to give me something to do to help me quit smoking, but then I remembered cellphones exist, and alcoholism and drug addiction and masturbation and twiddling my thumbs and talking to people and television and automobiles and parks and every imaginable interest, but most of all smoking.
If you enjoy eating worms, berries and beetles and your nest consists of grass, paper, and feathers smeared with mud then... you might just be a red breasted robin.
CBS just cancelled The Odd Couple with Matthew Perry and Thomas Lennon. I want to strike while the iron is hot and get a new reboot going starring Trump and Edward Snowden.
I was thinking, China has over 1.3 billion people and India has around 1.2 billion. Has anyone checked to make sure most of those people aren't disposable clone soldiers? Sleep tight.
Hey guys check out my nazi Matthew McConaughey impression, "alt right, alt right, alt right..." "that's what I love about high school girls, I get older, but they stay the same age and I continue to support genocide."
I don't ever want to think about....shit, I just did.
I'm writing a sequel to that movie Gone Girl, it's called Crazy Bitch.
A lot of people are saying it might have been on Friday. I mean, I am hearing that a lot.
I was talking to this Trump supporter the other day, I go, "Did you hear that thing they said Trump said last Saturday about the...", he goes, "How do you know it was Saturday? Is that what they told you?".
You here a lot about how great Michael Jordan was and his legacy and all, and rightfully so, but I feel like no one ever really gives credit to the person who helped him win so many championships. You know, um, whoever it was that gave Magic Johnson AIDS.
What is transparent and smells like worms? .................. A bird fart!
Planet Earth 3: It's getting hard to breathe
I always though Lebanon was a support group for gay women who were trying to quit.
Did you guys see that Trump tweet where he said he was going to build a big boat and put two of every animal on it? Who'd believe that shit?
Spoiler alert for Trump's presidency: Rosebud was the name of his sled from when he was a kid.
The Bowling Green Massacre 14/37/2000andLate, Never Remember!
(and 2 and 2 always makes a 5)
Boner donor: Gigolo that works pro bono.
Most of us have a shower curtain made of some kind of plastic. But Donald Trump has golden shower curtains..
A blind man walks into a bar ..... Now he has a headache.
DOOMED IS YOUR SOUL AND DAMNED IS YOUR LIFE (if you don't join Comedy Whirled now)
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