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If cleanliness is next to godliness, is filthiness next to dogliness?
110,000 American corpses, or as Trump would call them, a bunch of STONE COLD LOSERS.
Wildflowers grow like hotcakes.
Can we all start referring to Gisele as Gisele "El Chupacabra" Bundchen?
I bet when sea turtles have kinky sex the safe phrase is, "plastic bag."
In San Diego, you can't use golf carts on the golf course. So, I am wondering: how will I get my exercise now?
It's been a while since I got laid, I was in a narrow store aisle and I did that thing with this young woman where I was trying to step out her way, she tries to step out of my way, I end up walking right into her and I almost had a #metoo movement.
The cult of Trump: First you drink the Kool-aid, then you drink the Lysol.
Has Yoda ever said, "Yadda-yadda-yadda?" Has anyone ever said, in Pig Latin, "ixNay ixoNay."
If you go to shake someone's hand and they go for a fist bump, then you change to fist bump as they're changing to handshake, I think the proper response is to then do the scissors hand motion.
Mr. Oblivious: "Tiger Woods, more like tiger jungle, right? Tiger's are from the jungle, y'all see that Tiger King? Tiger's are in India too they say. India, it's more like NativeAmericaia, you know. Indiana is also a place."
Mr Oblivious: "I went over to the Catholic church to check it out, kick the tires and all, and they're all calling the preacher guy Father, but then it turns out he ain't got no kids. He's not even married. In fact it seemed like the kids that were there were all kinda uncomfortable around him."
Mr. Oblivious: "There's a writer Sylvia Plath, she wrote a thing about this fig tree and the figs were supposed to like represent different career and life paths she could take, but she's watching them get old and fall off the tree out of her indecision. But then they say a fig Newton ain't a cookie it's fruit and cake, but that's not what cake is. That lady put her head oven though. And then ovens that's where the cakes come from. I think that Cam Newton's overrated."
Mr. Oblivious: "You know they call her Mini Mouse, but she's bout the same size as Mickey. Mouses ain't like that no way. They don't talk."
Mr. Oblivious: "I went down to the ball field, this kid Braden he's all bragging said his dad's taking him out to get pizza for his birthday. I said, "that ain't your dad". Cause I know the guy that's been banging his mom for years from the bar, and he looks just like that guy, I told him. Anyway he's all crying and runs off. Felt like maybe I crossed some kinda line."
Here's the debut of my new character Mr. Oblivious, he's like Captain Obvious but sort of the opposite.
"You know just when you think the coronavirus is really bad here comes this COVID-19."
"ATTENTION, SHOPPERS, THERE IS A PANDEMIC SALE IN AISLE FIVE."
In these troubled times it's important to remember that we're a nation of imbeciles who elected a rich real estate huckster in to the most powerful position in the world. If a tree falls in the woods and there's no one around to hear it, I mean, are woods even real?
This Halloween I'm going to be Ash from Alien. All I need to do is dunk my head in some milk for a second and roll up a smut mag.
On Saturday, SNL did an idea I came up with, it's called Middle Aged Mutant Ninja Turtles, and wrote here on open mic September 2012. So that's kinda cool.
IF ONE DOOR CLOSES AND ANOTHER DOOR OPENS YOUR HOUSE IS PROBABLY HAUNTED
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