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I just sold my new movie script, It's called "Silent Night, Holy Shit!". It's the tale of the most miraculous poop ever shat, straight from the back end of the wee baby Jesus himself! Vin Diesel is Joseph! Ronda Rousey is Mary! Vern Troyer is A Donkey. Gene Hackman is Not In This Movie! An actual Baby Turd is The Shit! And Daniel Day-Lewis is The Sweet Newborn Christ Child! Be There!
Joss Whedon has to be so rich by now, he's gotta have like a Fillion dollars.
There are two kinds of people: those who know what they are going to say next....
I hate when people say "the man/woman/girl of my dreams". There's plenty of men and women in dreams. For women, if there's only ever one man in your dreams that man is the boogeyman man and you're mentally ill. Also if you met that one guy that's always in your dreams it would scare the living shit out of you.
I can't be the first one who's said this but, Bruce Jenner turned himself into old Lana Del Rey, right?
Okay, who mentioned FOD and crashed the site?
Some people think that everyone gets their own personalized heaven. I like that idea, but I was thinking that for an arsonist hell would be their heaven. So the arsonist would be in church and the preacher is up there doing the fire and brimstone bit and the arsonist is in the front row just rock hard like, "Yes, I want that! That's for me! I want that to be my life!" You'd think Satan and his crew would get tired of those guys along with the masochists, but it's hell for Satan too, so, everybody's got their shit they have to deal with.
But then there's the question of how many arsonists are going to get to heaven(which is hell)? And if they don't go to hell as punishment, where do they go? My guess is they go to Antarctica in penguin form.
It's weird that we have two words, arsonist and pyromaniac, for the same type of nutfuck. But I like how, you know there's the phrase, "What kind of maniac are you?", and then pyromaniacs can be like, "Oh, I'm this kind of maniac. Why'd you think I was jacking off to The Towering Inferno?"
It is a tale. Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury. Signifying nothing. – The Donald Trump Story
Donald Trump's presidential run got me thinking of some other TV characters I'd rather see run our country. I first thought I'd like to see Kool-Aid Man become president, but he's terrible with infrastructure.
Sinister 2: Electric Baguloo
It's like the arsonist tourist always says, "When in Rome, burn that bitch down!".
Me and a buddy of mine met a girl downtown and ended up having a threeway with her. We didn't really want to, but she double dong dared us.
Scott Walker looks like a white Bobby Jindal.
My friend is so racist that when we watch Game of Thrones he pulls for the wights.
What is a horse but a moving chair? And what is a wheelchair but also a moving chair? And what is a wheelhorse but an unholy abomination that I created and will surely be damned for?
I tried to find the Holy Grail but I ended up taking too many quest stops.
Bobby Jindal looks like Indian Alfred E. Neuman.
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