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Mr Oblivious: "I went over to the Catholic church to check it out, kick the tires and all, and they're all calling the preacher guy Father, but then it turns out he ain't got no kids. He's not even married. In fact it seemed like the kids that were there were all kinda uncomfortable around him."
Mr. Oblivious: "There's a writer Sylvia Plath, she wrote a thing about this fig tree and the figs were supposed to like represent different career and life paths she could take, but she's watching them get old and fall off the tree out of her indecision. But then they say a fig Newton ain't a cookie it's fruit and cake, but that's not what cake is. That lady put her head oven though. And then ovens that's where the cakes come from. I think that Cam Newton's overrated."
Mr. Oblivious: "You know they call her Mini Mouse, but she's bout the same size as Mickey. Mouses ain't like that no way. They don't talk."
Mr. Oblivious: "I went down to the ball field, this kid Braden he's all bragging said his dad's taking him out to get pizza for his birthday. I said, "that ain't your dad". Cause I know the guy that's been banging his mom for years from the bar, and he looks just like that guy, I told him. Anyway he's all crying and runs off. Felt like maybe I crossed some kinda line."
Here's the debut of my new character Mr. Oblivious, he's like Captain Obvious but sort of the opposite.
"You know just when you think the coronavirus is really bad here comes this COVID-19."
"ATTENTION, SHOPPERS, THERE IS A PANDEMIC SALE IN AISLE FIVE."
In these troubled times it's important to remember that we're a nation of imbeciles who elected a rich real estate huckster in to the most powerful position in the world. If a tree falls in the woods and there's no one around to hear it, I mean, are woods even real?
This Halloween I'm going to be Ash from Alien. All I need to do is dunk my head in some milk for a second and roll up a smut mag.
On Saturday, SNL did an idea I came up with, it's called Middle Aged Mutant Ninja Turtles, and wrote here on open mic September 2012. So that's kinda cool.
Got groceries today. Wore a mask. Haven't felt that vulnerable since my Turkish prison days. Not my fault, I thought he meant, "Deliver this corned beef hash."
Are there outhouses in the Outback? Are there ottomans in Ottowa? Do people in Wala Wala stutter?
My air guitar looks more like air jerking off. But, then again, doesn't all air guitar look like air jerking off?
A day without orange juice is like a day without acid re-flux.
Cancer is your body's way of committing suicide because you're too much of a pussy to do it yourself.
A lack of toilet paper gives new meaning to the term End Times.
I've been incredible at social distancing for years and I just now realized.
Toilet paper will save us!
I plan to contract the coronavirus early and avoid the rush.
Things Oprah Never Said But What If: "YOU get the coronavirus, and YOU get the coronavirus..."
"Put some Windex on it." -My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2002
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