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Planet Earth 3: It's getting hard to breathe
I always though Lebanon was a support group for gay women who were trying to quit.
Did you guys see that Trump tweet where he said he was going to build a big boat and put two of every animal on it? Who'd believe that shit?
Spoiler alert for Trump's presidency: Rosebud was the name of his sled from when he was a kid.
The Bowling Green Massacre 14/37/2000andLate, Never Remember!
(and 2 and 2 always makes a 5)
Boner donor: Gigolo that works pro bono.
Most of us have a shower curtain made of some kind of plastic. But Donald Trump has golden shower curtains..
A blind man walks into a bar ..... Now he has a headache.
In these weird and uncertain times I suggest we look to the recent past and use the schwartz. Let's remember that in the first decade of the 21st century the state of California, which has the highest population and largest economy in the country, elected as it's governor a man named Arnold Schwartzenegger. Now as we all know that man is an Austrian body builder/action movie star who has a tenuous grasp of the English language and is famous for portraying a cop who goes undercover as a kindergarten teacher and a murder robot. And that guy as far as I remember, and I don't remember that well, didn't do that bad of a job. What I do remember is that we called him The Governator and laughed about it because we wanted to ignore how much power we'd given him because it was horrifying to think about. California, or as Arnold called it Cauliflower, did make it through those years though, and today that state is only sometimes mostly on fire. Yes and he's now gone back to making terrible movies and selling games for your cell phone that you play when you're shitting or you don't want to talk to your family. Now I know that what we're all going to go through over the next several years is a much worse situation to face, but hey, did you see that one Schwartzenegger was in with Johnny Knoxville? Yeah neither did I, and I never will. And I kinda like Johnny Knoxville. Thank you for your time.
What's the current betting line on Melania leaving Donald by the end of the calendar year?
Would the movie Aladdin be perceived differently if you pronounced it Aladeen?
i wonder what it's like to be a pig, and you're eating an apple, and you find a worm in there, and you think, bonus.
Am I the only one who thinks Negan killed J.R. Ewing?
It's been kind of a sad weekend for me, SyFy turned down my script for CrocaGator 4: The UnCrocaning.
Never agree to FaceTime with Jaqen H'ghar.
For an erection lasting longer than 4 days call an erexorcist.
Now we can simply call him The Former Artist Known as Prince.
Vote Colonel Sanders 2016! Feel the Colon!
You heard the one about the stand-up comic who killed at his last show? He was arrested and charged with involuntary man's laughter.
I'm hosting a new podcast about sleep apnea. It's called "Snorefest".
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