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Never agree to FaceTime with Jaqen H'ghar.
For an erection lasting longer than 4 days call an erexorcist.
Now we can simply call him The Former Artist Known as Prince.
Vote Colonel Sanders 2016! Feel the Colon!
You heard the one about the stand-up comic who killed at his last show? He was arrested and charged with involuntary man's laughter.
I'm hosting a new podcast about sleep apnea. It's called "Snorefest".
Have you seen that show Baking Bad? It's just people fucking up cakes. Also there's a real over use of the word bitch. Before I watched that show I don't think I'd ever heard anyone call a cake a bitch before.
The Bible says God created everything in six days and then on the seventh day he rested, but also he rested pretty much every fucking day after that, right?
There's a new politically correct remake of the movie Single White Female coming out soon for today's generation, it's called Person.
If the Pacific Ocean wanted to be seen as its authentic self, you would call it Trans-Atlantic.
Sometimes I feel like women are jealous of me cause I can poop standing up.
The Emmy Awards is one big commercial about television on television with commercials.
Donald Trump, Rand Paul and Bernie Sanders walk into a barber...
My doctor asked me for a stool sample and I said "Oh god!! that's going to taste awful!!!"
Here's an idea I had for a new game/sport for kids, it's called We're Throwing Bricks At Each Other!. You get a bunch of kids(a dozen or so ideally) and each kid gets one brick. Each round begins with the shout of "Go!" by the referee. The kids run around in a field and throw bricks at each other, when someone goes down they're out for that round. After the game begins you can pick up as many bricks as you want that have been thrown and you can also steal bricks off kids holding them. You can't knock people over physically, players have to be felled by bricks or falling on their own to be out of the round. You can not hit a player directly with a brick that's still in your hand, cause hey, we're not punching bricks into kids' skulls here, We're Throwing Bricks At Each Other! The round is over when only one child remains standing, at which point the last child has won that round and he/she/and/or/it can now at their leisure decide when to begin the next round. The next round begins when the winner of the previous round shouts "What Are We Doing?", with the response from the players/children on the ground being one of the following two statements, 1. "Yeah, What Are We Doing? This Is Fucking Stupid." or 2. "We're Throwing Bricks At Each Other!". If every felled player utters statement 1 the game is over, and the winner of the previous round wins the game, but if even one player bequothes statement 2 all players will go onto the next round(unless you want to quit, you can quit at any time, but can't rejoin until the next game begins). Each player begins the next round with one brick, except the previous rounds winner who starts with as many bricks as they were still holding from last round. The first player to win three rounds wins the game, or if it's down to two then last man standing wins, or if one kid is the only one to not quit they win. A responsible adult should be on hand to stand as referee but a mostly sober homeless person will suffice. Good luck out there kids, keep your heads down, and as always Murder Times! Destroy! Your Father Doesn't Love You! (Remember, Death is temporary We're Throwing Bricks At Each Other! is forever. The flies can only have one lord!)
p.s. Fuck you Will Smith
Arsonists for Sanders are 'feeling the Bern'.
I just sold my new movie script, It's called "Silent Night, Holy Shit!". It's the tale of the most miraculous poop ever shat, straight from the back end of the wee baby Jesus himself! Vin Diesel is Joseph! Ronda Rousey is Mary! Vern Troyer is A Donkey. Gene Hackman is Not In This Movie! An actual Baby Turd is The Shit! And Daniel Day-Lewis is The Sweet Newborn Christ Child! Be There!
Joss Whedon has to be so rich by now, he's gotta have like a Fillion dollars.
There are two kinds of people: those who know what they are going to say next....
I hate when people say "the man/woman/girl of my dreams". There's plenty of men and women in dreams. For women, if there's only ever one man in your dreams that man is the boogeyman man and you're mentally ill. Also if you met that one guy that's always in your dreams it would scare the living shit out of you.
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