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What's my plan for stopping Godzilla you ask? Giant magnifying glass. You're welcome.
women are kinda like the x men, except, instead of lasers shooting out of their eyes, they can make babies.
"I wouldn't be caught dead in that!"
China's been raping our economy for years and they've done a great job of it, it's really admirable how they've raped us. Why won't those rapists help us with North Korea?
your heart is as tiny as a spider's butthole.
Didn't anybody ever tell Ryan Gosling not to run with blades?
You guys remember that fuckin' kneeler Tim Tebow?
In his first press conference after he takes office I want someone from the press to go, "Yes, President Pence, you're a whore. Response?"
In todays vernacular wouldn't Hitler just be called a leader who was "extra"? He definitely wasn't a "basic bitch". His squad was pretty extra too.
How the fuck is Big Brother still on? I'm looking your way George Orwell.
The success of the new Wonder Woman movie got me thinking, there needs to be more films with strong leading roles for women. Also, and perhaps most importantly, there's a lot money to be made! So my idea is for a movie called Wander Woman. It's set in modern day Las Vegas, a recently lobotomized woman is wandering around in urban areas, she's often wet, and sometimes being led around by people who don't seem to notice her mental state, sometimes alone just gravitating toward random objects. She in addition to being wet for the majority of the film, also speaks in chops and for long stretches not at all. She'll sometimes drool on herself, wetter, and no longer remembers how to use her bowels or bladder. She's unable to feed herself and well, it's basically the last few episodes of the Twin Peaks return but it's a young woman instead of Kyle MacLachlan. And when I say young woman I really mean a girl, ya know? In fact, just to give you a better picture, it's Alexandra Daddario from that dumb new Baywatch movie, and she's in her underwear almost the entire movie and her tits are like WaBlam! And Nearly Always Wet! Or no, maybe she's just totally naked but with like body paint bro, and then her tits are all WaPLow!!! Yeah Feminism!!! Be There!
I was gonna get me one of those fidget spinners to give me something to do to help me quit smoking, but then I remembered cellphones exist, and alcoholism and drug addiction and masturbation and twiddling my thumbs and talking to people and television and automobiles and parks and every imaginable interest, but most of all smoking.
If you enjoy eating worms, berries and beetles and your nest consists of grass, paper, and feathers smeared with mud then... you might just be a red breasted robin.
CBS just cancelled The Odd Couple with Matthew Perry and Thomas Lennon. I want to strike while the iron is hot and get a new reboot going starring Trump and Edward Snowden.
I was thinking, China has over 1.3 billion people and India has around 1.2 billion. Has anyone checked to make sure most of those people aren't disposable clone soldiers? Sleep tight.
Hey guys check out my nazi Matthew McConaughey impression, "alt right, alt right, alt right..." "that's what I love about high school girls, I get older, but they stay the same age and I continue to support genocide."
I don't ever want to think about....shit, I just did.
I'm writing a sequel to that movie Gone Girl, it's called Crazy Bitch.
A lot of people are saying it might have been on Friday. I mean, I am hearing that a lot.
I was talking to this Trump supporter the other day, I go, "Did you hear that thing they said Trump said last Saturday about the...", he goes, "How do you know it was Saturday? Is that what they told you?".
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