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Piranha hate when people throw a bean bag chair in the Amazon River.
I know Talk Like a Pirate Day is 19 September but is there a Smell Like a Pirate Day? Because that's what I got going on.
Rottenborn: “The fact is, Mr. Depp, if Disney came to you with $300 million and a million alpacas, nothing on this earth would get you to go back and work with Disney on a ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ film? Correct?”
Depp: “That is true, Mr. Rottenborn.”
Somebody somewhere is writing what they think will be a great sequel to Pirates of the Caribbean with a million alpacas in the story.
Being a "fly on the wall" is one thing, but imagine being whatever clings to the wall in the home of a fly. Ohhh, the stories you would hear when Mr. and Mrs. Fly exchange what they heard all day; I sure would like to be a "whatever on the wall"!
I was watching that movie Hope Floats the other day and I thought, "you know who would've been great in this?" "Natalie Wood."
Politicians suck at their jobs and screw everyone... basically they are all Porn actors.
Idea for a movie: An older Edward Scissorhands is now a psychiatrist and he begins treating a new patient, you guessed it, Freddy Krueger. He slowly breaks down the walls of Freddy's past trauma, much of which was admittedly caused by Freddy himself; dream murders etc., and delivers Freddy to a revelatory breakthrough that was right there all along: 2nd knives hand. Working title, "I Married A Beautiful Much Younger Actress and Beat Her Until She Left Me".
I've seen in several places people saying this thing about when you die you instantly lose a small amount of weight and the idea being that that's supposed to be the soul's weight/ it leaving the body. But like, also, don't most people shit themselves when the die? #weighthatshit
Idea for the conclusion of Succession: Greg somehow comes out on top as head of Waystar Royco with the help of his grandpa (played by James Cromwell). Final Scene: Greg at his grandpa's death bed says, "That'll do pig."
I like to think that Betty White was awesome at Madden. #poortaste
Pete Davidson could star in a remake of Beetlejuice without makeup.
I get really down this time of year. It is said that nature abhors a vacuum, man, I really miss my job at Dyson.
Is Ke$ha getting any money from the TikTok app? Cause she had that song Tik Tok. Well if so it would finally warrant the $ in the middle of her name.
There's a guy he's got dyslexia and it gets him in trouble sometimes. He's really hungry one day, and he decides he wants a bunt cake. He goes to his wife and says, "Honey I'm starving". She says "what do you want?". He says, "cunt bake".
In the grand scheme of things, there is no actual grand scheme.
Austria and Australia merged as one country and will now be known as Austriaalia.
Spain and Ukraine merged and will now be known as Spukrain.
North Dakota & South Dakota merged and are now Southern Canada.
This just in, entire U.S. Olympic BINGO Team canceled due to multiple steroid violations.
We were all born fucked, in fact it's how we got here.
Product idea: Cat leashes! Take your cat for a walk! Cat don't wanna walk? Yank that sumbitch til he gets with program! Do you think dogs wanted to walk on leashes? Cat leashes, show your cat who's boss!
Language will now be spelled, "LANGWIDGE."
IF ONE DOOR CLOSES AND ANOTHER DOOR OPENS YOUR HOUSE IS PROBABLY HAUNTED
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