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I was watching that movie Hope Floats the other day and I thought, "you know who would've been great in this?" "Natalie Wood."
Politicians suck at their jobs and screw everyone... basically they are all Porn actors.
Idea for a movie: An older Edward Scissorhands is now a psychiatrist and he begins treating a new patient, you guessed it, Freddy Krueger. He slowly breaks down the walls of Freddy's past trauma, much of which was admittedly caused by Freddy himself; dream murders etc., and delivers Freddy to a revelatory breakthrough that was right there all along: 2nd knives hand. Working title, "I Married A Beautiful Much Younger Actress and Beat Her Until She Left Me".
I've seen in several places people saying this thing about when you die you instantly lose a small amount of weight and the idea being that that's supposed to be the soul's weight/ it leaving the body. But like, also, don't most people shit themselves when the die? #weighthatshit
Idea for the conclusion of Succession: Greg somehow comes out on top as head of Waystar Royco with the help of his grandpa (played by James Cromwell). Final Scene: Greg at his grandpa's death bed says, "That'll do pig."
I like to think that Betty White was awesome at Madden. #poortaste
Pete Davidson could star in a remake of Beetlejuice without makeup.
I get really down this time of year. It is said that nature abhors a vacuum, man, I really miss my job at Dyson.
Is Ke$ha getting any money from the TikTok app? Cause she had that song Tik Tok. Well if so it would finally warrant the $ in the middle of her name.
There's a guy he's got dyslexia and it gets him in trouble sometimes. He's really hungry one day, and he decides he wants a bunt cake. He goes to his wife and says, "Honey I'm starving". She says "what do you want?". He says, "cunt bake".
In the grand scheme of things, there is no actual grand scheme.
Austria and Australia merged as one country and will now be known as Austriaalia.
Spain and Ukraine merged and will now be known as Spukrain.
North Dakota & South Dakota merged and are now Southern Canada.
This just in, entire U.S. Olympic BINGO Team canceled due to multiple steroid violations.
We were all born fucked, in fact it's how we got here.
Product idea: Cat leashes! Take your cat for a walk! Cat don't wanna walk? Yank that sumbitch til he gets with program! Do you think dogs wanted to walk on leashes? Cat leashes, show your cat who's boss!
Language will now be spelled, "LANGWIDGE."
From now on the word "Twice" will be spelled "Twiice." Stay tuned for more language updates, brought to you each Wensday in the month of Febrary.
We're gonna Make America Great Again! - Donald Trump 2015
We're gonna Keep America Great! - Donald Trump 2018
We're like a third world country. - Donald Trump late November 2020
I like this guy, and I believe him when he says the election was stolen from him.* - 74 Million Americans
I'm 33 now, and when I meet people for the first time I'm upfront about how immature I am. I'm not insecure about it really, I own it, it's how I am, I'm fine with it. Some folks might call me a proud boy.
Mr. Oblivious: I hear all this negative talk about white supremacy, and I'm like, I'm white, I want to be supreme, and I'd have loved to sing with Diana Ross, that's a good lookin' black woman.
IF ONE DOOR CLOSES AND ANOTHER DOOR OPENS YOUR HOUSE IS PROBABLY HAUNTED
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