Comedy Whirled

 

 

 

THE TOP TEN REASONS THEY'LL NEVER FIND THE BODY:



 

 


"I should note that -- although the picture does indeed depict Bugs being fitted for some cement shoes -- the list is open-ended and DOES NOT have to revolve around Bugs Bunny or any other Warner Bros. property for that matter. ANY BODY ANY REASON."

 Have fun.

 John (Slaney}

 

Please post your results by Wednesday, April 6th if possible. 

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10. I'm a Senator

9. I sent it to pick up my Nigerian inheritance they emailed about

8. It's at the UN

7. "Bernie's" agent just signed it for a new reality show

6. It's currently on tour opening for Michael Jackson

5. I left it next to an empty beer on the Jersey Shore

4. It's riding shotgun

3. I promoted it become a corporate middle manager

2. I hid it on Myspace

1. I sold it to McDonald's

10. Nobody gives a shit about Jimmy Hoffa anymore.

 

9. Who's ever going to think to look in a landfill, right?

 

8. Dudley Do-Right of the Mounties is heading up the investigation.

 

7. Because the real fun is in the pursuit.

 

6. Because the human body is heavier than water, so it will sink straight to the bottom of … oh, shit !!!

 

5. Smokescreen, baby! I confess to every single murder or missing person report I hear about.

 

4. Nobody is really very keen on examining the contents of my septic tank. 

 

3. It's perfectly understandable that she would want to vanish from my life without a trace.

 

2. My backyard time-capsule specifically states that it is not to be opened until the year 4011.

 

1. B-U-U-U-R-R-R-R-P-P-P-P ...

10. I covered the body in baconnaise and left it on Kirstie Alley's doorstep.

 

9. It's under a pile of homeless people in L.A.

 

8. It's behind the cash register at Blockbuster.

 

7. The victim is Steve Guttenberg and no one notices he's missing.

 

6. It's in Jay Leno's sense of shame.

 

5. It's in the health food section of Wal-mart.

 

4. It's dating Kathy Griffin.

 

3. It's a guest on the Carson Daly show.

 

2. I sent it to Natalie Portman as fan mail.

 

1. It's not on Oprah's  "Dead Bodies We Should Look For" list.

10. I burned it good.

9. I know them, and they're not very good at finding bodies.

8. It's not a pretty young white girl's body.

7. I dropped it between the couch cushions.

6. I put it next to a copy of "Armageddon".

5. I fed it to large hogs.

4. I punched a bunch of holes in it and sunk it to the bottom of Lake Nobodyshere.

3. Lost it in the divorce, not my problem now!

2. I've disguised myself as him/her, and am now living his/her life.

1. They won't look in the place where it's hidden.

 

"You only moved the headstones!  You only moved the headstones!  Why?!?  Why?!?"
10. The cold case evidence melted in Florida.
9. No-one is looking.
8. The dog ate it.
7. What body?
6. It disappeared when I married it.
5. Amber didn't want to lend out her name.
4. Olivia Newton-John
3. Botox, tummy tuck, hair plugs, liposuction, breast implants, facial peels, collagen injections...
2. It was dissolved by Parliament.
1. Miss Scarlet and Colonel Mustard refuse to talk.

10. I'm OJ Simpson, so if you find it, no big whoop.

9. Two words: Soylent Green.

8. I stuffed his ass full of coffee grounds.

7. I have an Uncle named Bernie.

6. I introduced him to my friend, Perchloric Acid.

5. Ponds vanishing cream really works.

4. Bear Grylls ate him.

3. I abracadabra'd his ass.

2. Forensic Files has provided me information on how to murder people correctly.

1. The escaped cobra an I are good friends......gooood friends.  *wink*

again, I am WAY too drunk to come up with an entire list but... this is probably the only reason they'll never find the body:

 

I ate it... after burying it under the bottom of the pacific ocean... on the moon... after erasing his birth certificate from the personal records of the president... after black-mailing him........................with pictures of him being intimate with the dead body

prove it :P

John Slaney said:

Keep 'em comin', people -- don't think I'm not methodically listing all my favorites for eventual judgment.

 

- John

10. It puts the lotion on its skin...

9.They're empaled on those posts coming into town--you didn't see?

8. Once battered and fried, you can't tell what anything is.

7. Nobody's hungry enough yet.

6. That's some sassy smelling compost you got there!

5. The police all got laid off.

4.Turkey cheese fries, turkey cheese fries--

3. I didn't realize goths were actually already dead.

2. The body was sealed in an airtight container--then shot out of the Starship Enterprise into space, to a new world called Genesis where dogs ate it.

1. We can't live in the past...

10. They’d have to sift my poop.

09. I’m still ‘using’ it.

08. I watch a lot of Law & Order: SVU (Soiled Vaginas Unit).

07. It’s in line for Charlie Sheen tickets.

06. I party with Joran van der Sloot.

05. Since his death, we members of The Jeffrey Dahmer Fan-Club are a lot better at ‘hiding’ things.
(Miss Buttermilk, and/or Mr. Slaney: Did I ever tell you that I actually went to high-school with JD’s first victim, Steve Hicks?

http://www.angelfire.com/fl5/headsinmyfridge/Victims.html
This sounds like total horseshit, I know, but I swear it’s totally true.
I didn’t know him very well, but he was infamous for having been kind of an evil prick and a bully, himself, and my best-friend lived right near him.
Sometimes Karma does a kick-ass job.)

04. I made a drum-set and a Civil War chess-set out of it. And a tooth-necklace.

03. They’d have to dig through 6 feet of cat-urine and -feces soaked newspaper in my basement train-set room.
They’d also be mystified by the fact that I’ve never had cats.

02. They’d have to check Taco Bell®, Las Vegas.

01. They’d have to re-excavate beneath The Wizarding World of Harry Potter™.

10. Government regulations

9. Potential poison ivy concerns

8. Still looking for Waldo

7. Hey, it's Sweeps Week

6. March Madness hangover

5. Started Christmas shopping

4. Taking tests to become a loser

3. Have a bad case of diarrhea along with bouts of projectile hurling

2. Have tickets to Charlie Sheen's tour

1. Because it's time to make the donuts

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