Once upon a time, my sixth month pregnant daughter found a Crib she wanted to buy on Kijiji. As Kijiji virgins we were quite apprehensive about how this worked. This is how the fairy-tale all went down.
First of all we had a 70 mile trip to Thorold, Ontario. Long story short, we arrived at 3 pm, the time allotted by Tracy, for crib pick up. She had said in her ad that this very expensive crib was used at NANA’S place when her “kids stayed over.”
We were expecting to arrive at a house, given that this was a very high end crib. Upon our arrival, it seemed as if we were to pick up the crib at NAN'S place; kind of a sketchy apartment building right in downtown Thorold.
When Sherrie and I were in downtown Thorold last summer we both thought - OK this town is a little bit rough and tumble. Of course, being right on the Welland Canal, that's what a lot of small communities here are like - rough and tumble sailor towns (lots of drinking establishments and tattoo parlours).
Get this, one of the tat parlours was called, “Lynard Skin-Arts”. “Rock n Roll and feel the sting”, I guess.
Megs called Tracy from the high rise apartment parking lot and she said, “Go right up my husband is there waiting.”
Meghan looked at me and said, “Dad, we’re not going in there!”
Well this place resembled one of those apartments you’d see on 48 Hours or in the movies, you know the ones about gangs and serial killers. As we entered, we got the feeling like this was a housing project or something. I don’t think I’ve been in an 8 story apartment building that didn’t have a security controlled entrance.
A nice Pakistani man opened the door for us. Maybe this octogenarian was the security guard?
There was no list of tenants, nor was there an intercom system to buzz us up. The office with the bars on the window was closed. So, after exchanging furtive glances, we headed directly to the elevator.
We were followed in by an old lady wearing a toque. Oh yes, she entered the elevator with us. The elevator was about the size of a small closet. We were nose to nose.
She began with, “That girl is your daughter, isn’t she?”
“Well, yes,” I said.
“I can see you look alike,” she added. “Yup, she’s your daughter.”
I said, “No one has ever said that before.”
“Oh, well,” she added. “It’s my job was to study faces. That’s just what I do! Tee hee!” Then she smiled that kind of smile you see in horror movies. She kept staring into my eyes as if she had the power to penetrate my thoughts.
I didn’t mention that all the way down in the van Meghan was very nervous about this. She was having problems dealing with this Kijiji thing! You know random acts of retail!
We were a little thankful we reached the sixth floor without incident. Meg’s partner Jeff and I both hate elevators. This one was the kind claustrophobia was invented for. When that door opened we all jumped out.
Meghan said, “Soooo..... We just go up and knock on the door, then?”
Jeff and I nodded and said, “Seems so!”
So, that we did. Meghan we walked up to the door and knocked.
A voice from inside, somewhat similar to that of a witch said, “Come right in!”
Now usually someone OPENS the door for you. No, not here, we were asked to open the door.
Meghan says, “Should I open the door?”
Jeff and I nod as we take up Ninja like stances. I’m thinking even though the price for this crib is right, we aren’t going to find Bob Barker behind door Number Three.
Meghan opens the door and two little dogs run out, both friendly, jumping all over us. They looked like some kind of cross between a pit bull and a Chihuahua.
Then NANA emerges, blouse open, boobs in full view. In the background we see a guy who has very little skin left to add any more tattoos. You know, like a biker dude. I’ll bet he spends a lot of time at “Lynard Skin-arts”.
Meghan looks at me as if all of her apprehension has come to pass.
No matter, the lady is quite nice, despite the fact there are no lights on and the apartment is clutter central.
All of the parts of the crib are stacked in the foyer. The crib is painted black. We say. “We can’t really see it!”
Granny says, “Oh, you can turn on the lights then.” She said that as if turning on the lights weren’t something that occurred regularly in this little lion’s den. When I reached over to the three switch panel, two of the switches were tapped in the off position. Oh, my!
Upon inspection we see that everything looks in order save for a few paint chips and scratches. Jeff and Megs decide to close the deal. All of us want to get out of there as fast as we can.
Nana holds up the mattress and says, “You know THIS is the comfort mattress. I bought it. Katy really liked it, you know.” Eyes wide, smirking –yes, we believe you granny! But, the way she said this had me thinking that perhaps Katy had gone away somewhere.
The money is exchanged. It feels like a drug deal given the atmosphere.
NANA says, “I brought my son over to help you carry the stuff down.”
We can’t figure out whether this dude is the hubby or some guy who is addicted to Miami Ink. No matter, he smiles that kind of smile you saw in the mountain man from the movie Deliverance. Maybe I do look a little like Ned Beatty.
So we gather up the stuff and make our way out. Mr. Tattoo actually says to old Jimbo, “I’ll take that heavy stuff for you, so you can take this lighter stuff?” That, of course, was followed with a big smile and a wink.
As we approach the elevator I feel that “A Jimbo” moment is about to happen. A Jimbo moment is one of those nervous moments when the old guy does something –let’s say – out of the ordinary.
We wait for the elevator for a time period that has me counting up to about ten thousand.
Biker dude says, “So, where you from?” I think he’s trying to break the ice.
“Simcoe,” I say.
“Oh, ya, I was ice fishin’ that way just last week,” he says.
I’m thinking, there hasn’t been any ice on Long Point Bay this winter. So, I continue with, “Well that’s interesting. The ice must have been fairly thin.”
“Oh, no, the ice was eight inches thick up there on LAKE SIMCOE!”
Oh, right, we are the Lake People; the ones that live on the bottom of Lake Simcoe and only come up out of the water during Valentines week searching for baby cribs on Kijiji. Its part of our spring mating ritual, I guess.
For God’s sake, doesn’t anyone know there is a town called SIMCOE?
When the door opens, I jump in as if propelled by rocket fuel. Problem is the door closes behind me. The last thing I hear is Meghan shouting, “Dad, press the DOOR OPEN button.” But, that’s too late for me. I start pressing all the buttons because it feels as if the elevator is stuck and the door isn’t opening.
Duh! I’ve put myself on elevator Armageddon!
When the door opens I jump out like a jackrabbit. Too bad I’m on the second floor.
I look for the exit and find the stairs. As I’m descending I notice that this stairwell might be used for more purposes than going up and down. The footsteps behind me have me scrambling for the first floor. Just as I am about to open the door to escape, I turn to see this giant (I’d say 6’8”) smiling at me like he was a hawk and I was a little mouse. He looks a lot like Boo Radley from the movie To Kill a Mocking Bird.
I’m carrying a tiny mattress and bed rail. I feel vulnerable.
Get me outta here, Lord!
Finally, I emerge into the lobby and find that Megs, Jeff and Mr. Biker Dude have just come out of elevator.
We load my brother-in-laws van in about 30 seconds, No, I’d say about 20 seconds.
Screeching tires, we fish tail out of the parking lot like Startsky and Hutch. I never thought buying an item off Kijiji was like working undercover.
Yes, we feel like we’ve just made a huge score on Queen West in Toronto. Hey, the goods are in decent shape and my little girl is happy. We just hope that the crib isn’t stolen property.
Why Canadian Men are Hot and Why Women Want Them
This is going to be short and sweet and to the point. The reason is that Canadian men can be as tough as nails and as soft as a baby's bottom at the same time, both manly and sensitive, destructive and creative as well as athletic.
We have this reality program called "Battle of the Blades" up here in the GREAT WHITE NORTH. Take a rough gruff hockey player and pair them with a beautiful petite figure skater and have them come up with a skating routine. It would be like having an NFL lineman participate in sychronized swimming. You get the picture. We have some potential for "situation" comedy here.
Watch the video to get a taste of what I'm talking about. I've also added the video of the winning pair for your enjoyment.
Here's the winners: So, I rest my case. Canadian men are popular with the ladies not just because of flopping back and forth in drive through lines. (see below) You've also learned that the real talent in pairs skating comes from the ladies. THe guys are just there to do the heavy lifting!
Arnold, Stop Deporting Your Spiders to the Great White North
KNUCKLHEAD News was shocked to discover that a third crate of grapes from California contained an unwanted stowaway. A Western Black Widow spider was discovered lurking among the Chardonnay in Joe Fransco’s shipment. Upon reflection, it is a bit unnerving to discover that “the venom from a black widow is 14 times more dangerous than that of a rattle snake.” Ouch!
In fact, Winemaker Donato Tersigni said that finding this spider was “the shock of his life”. He did not mention that “Screaming like a little girl” did nothing to uphold his Italian machismo.
So, what’s with this Arnold?
It seems to me that this is a deliberate attempt to infiltrate our borders with California’s unwanted minority. Or, is there more to it than that?
Release of a taped telephone conversation with the California Governor revealed this statement when he was confronted with the possible effects of “Black Widow” deportation to Canada.
"Hasta La Vista, Baby"
We know that Ontario Wines are becoming Whirled renowned and are competing favourably with the California product. But really, killing off all of our vintners, one by one, is not the way to deal with competition, Arnold.
It is a proven fact that only one in a hundred Black Widow Spider bites is fatal. All you’ll do is piss-off the 99 others, causing them to produce even better wines, of course, upon application of our UNIVERSAL HEALTH PLAN and their speedy recovery.
KNUCKLEHEAD News suspects that there will be more to this story. It seems that the Governor of California is more into crushing markets than he is into crushing grapes. To him, it's all part and parcel of his economic platform.
In related developments, KNUCKLEHEAD News has learned that Canadian Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, plans to retaliate by further infiltrating Hollywood by sending a whole whack of funny Canadians south. We know subverting some of the well know on-line comedy websites has been a success. Proof of this policy shift emerged when rumours suggest that Canada will ship its own "GRAPES" to the US. Yes, Don Cherry will be taking a seat on THE VUE in the not too distant future.
As this cross border war escalates, it was learned today that a shipment of Back Bacon sent to California was also discoverd to include several rattlesnakes and a bevy of black flies.
It looks like it's time for Alan Thicke to sit down with the Governor and work out a compromise.
Stay tuned for more on this develping story on KNUCKLEHEAD NEWS.
DON CHERRY'S VUE SCREEN TEST
CANUCKLENEWS FLASH Warning to African American Men: CANUCKLEHEADS are well hung! CANUCKLENEWS This from today's news.
BRACEBRIDGE NUDISTS ON TRAIL
QUOTE: "Several witnesses were upset, angry and even wept on the witness stand Monday as they testified about men parading nude in public places."
One witness reported that three men came to the A and W drive thru buck naked and hungry.
"You could see everything", the witness reported.
The poor gal had to deal with these guys for a full 15 minutes as they fumbled around in their car looking for their wallets.
"I could see their private parts flopping back and forth," she added.
The Crown Attorny, wishing to paint a better picture foir the jury asked, "And where was this moving back and forth happening?"
"Between their legs," the witness responded.
Did you hear that? Flopping back and forth between their legs: proof positive that CANADA is truly the home of the "Whopper".
So, I rest my case, dear friends. KNUCKLEHEADS are hung like moose, eh. (Or is that meese?)
No matter, as Wayne and Garth would say we KNUCKLEHEADS, "SCHWIIIIING!
SOURCE: The Toronto Sun, Sept.28, 2010: Tracy McLaughlin
Once upon a time, my sixth month pregnant daughter found a Crib she wanted to buy on Kijiji. As Kijiji virgins we were quite apprehensive about how this worked. This is how the fairy-tale all went…Continue
Started by jimbobalouie Feb 24, 2012.
G8/G20 Costs a Bundle - CANUCKLEHEAD NEWS As my last post determined, Canadians want acceptance on the Whirled Stage. We go out of our way trying to "run with the big dogs" even if the "big dogs"…Continue
Started by jimbobalouie Sep 27, 2010.