Comedy Whirled

pitch a tent pole movie francise?  yes, do it.  why haven't you done it yet?

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Bridget Jones Diary 4: Prim and Primeveal

(sample scene)

Chapter 14:  I stand perched upon the frozen teat of the bitch goddess Canada.  My guide has been dead for a month now.  Even his sinews, all the beast left of him, have passed through me.  My flint is broken.  The fire grows low.  Flats instead of pumps were a good choice, but this bag, what was i thinking?  As the last embers cowtow to the lapping tongue of bitter wind, this faux prada taunts the remnants of my mind.  I have truly reached the edge of reason.

Jason vs. Freddie vs. James and the Giant Peach.

now, i know what you're thinking, james and the giant peach: easy fodder.  but that's where you're wrong.   James Henry Trotter seems like an easy mark ... until you realize that he's flying through the sky in a 22nd generation, genetically engineered flying peach swarming with giant insects with razor sharp claws.  now these bugs have defended james with their lives several times before. also, he's not 4 years old anymore, that was 1996, today he'd be 26. he's spent his life in a weaponized peach full of insects, and over the years they've grown to a brood,  an unholy chitinous clad army willing to tear anything asunder at his beck and call.    And james, well, he's what we in the biz call a "final girl" ... if you catch my drift.  except that he's all man and uses every product under the sun, dickies workwear, coca cola, norelco razors, m&m's, amazon prime, all that biz.

you also have to consider that jason and freddie won't likely consider him a threat, so they'll probably go after each other mostly, leaving them both weakened and ripe fodder for the pincers of james's centipede army.  do they they get tied up by silkworm ropes and spider webs of the miss spider and the silkworm? duh.  (freddy makes an s&m joke)  are they lured into the kill zone by the glow worm?  duh. (jason looks at the camera with an "aww damn" expression) what does the ladybug do? what does she not do?  she can fly, they can't.  she systematically knocks chuncks off jason  with a kalishnikov at her leisure while sipping tea with her extra arms.  the brood of spiders lay eggs in the chunks, and their young becomes strong on their never ending dinner of regenerating immortal flesh. (the broken hockey mask on the ground makes another "aww damn" expression, a spider baby assuming the role of a raised eyebrow.)

so the obvious thing, someone goes to sleep, freddy gets all dream creepy.  james, however has learned the true meaning of friendship, and pulls his friends into the dream world. outnumbered and thoroughly beaten freddy, while thinking up a creepy joke notices somethng.  aww shit where's glow worm!  just then james grabs freddy, as glow worm wakes them all up.  now in the real world, surrounded by centipedes, spiders, ladybug commandos, freddy utters a scat reference, which serve as his final words.    glow worm, seemingly the weakest of the bunch, bites his head off, and says the chatch phrase:  " and one to glow on".   

so you've got your friendship theme, the whole christian "he who was last shall one day be first" thing.  also i guess a bunch of teen campers should wander around and get killed, why not, right?

i guess there's a worm and a grasshopper too, kill them for dramatic effect.

3d roll out on 20,000 screens, july forth.  billions.  

2nd movie in the franchise:  jason merges with the spiders and becomes and undead / spider hybrid.  freddy merges with the glow worm and becomes a glowworm / rapist hybrid.  what will the team do now that their star player is "pitching for the other team" ... if you catch my drift?  also the freddy glow worm hybrid is all man (even though the glow worm was a lady, and he's "technically" half lady) and uses all the sponsor's products, ford trucks (joke: it's that truck month time of the month)   monsato insecticides (joke: good thing it's not " that time of the MOTH" get it glow worm, moth?) etc.  also, i guess a bunch of teen campers wonder around ad get killed. if we didn't kill the worm and the grasshopper last time, now we do it.

Protocol Zero

After an intense argument with another nation the President of the United States pushes the red button to nuke the opposing regime and watches the whole thing unfold, including the automatic full-scale retaliation on the NORAD screens before being rushed to an underground bunker for safety.  What his immediate team and even the Secret Service aren't aware of is Protocol Zero, a safe-guard put in place by a powerful few that avoids war by fooling the President via simulation.  The President and most of his administration and secret service are locked in a bunker and fed totally convincing video and audio of the aftermath.  Up above, life goes on as regular, nuclear wars avoided.  

There would end up being several Presidents and administrations from different eras slowly decaying away in their bunkers rationing out Ensure + and watching totally convincing, beyond ILM quality effects HD video of their lame legacies.  They might even be fed footage of a nuked zombie uprising or even hybrid monkey madness. 

Of course, one President and a few of his secret service will escape their bunker and see the fact that they've been lied to for 20 years. 

Oceans 4 Part 1: The Atlantic


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