Write a line from what would be a lousy novel
It seemed like only a second passed when they all found themselves standing in line. There was a soothing voice over the loudspeaker's that welcomed everyone to the "final destination".
There seemed to be an area for observers up ahead, kind of like a waiting area at the airport only way bigger. People were shouting out names, some held signs high over their heads with names on them, many were crying tears of enjoyment, some were jumping up and down and clapping.
Sh'egg, Big Louie, Iver-snide and Chad just kind of looked at each other in bewilderment. Sh'egg still had the egg beaters sticking out of his ass.. Louie pointed to a sign that listed different types of deaths and where to report. "Where's Groucho?" Louie asked, "I don't think he made the cut guys" Sh'egg answered.
They noticed a crowd of people off to the side, they were surrounding someone like fans do to rock stars. As the line slowly moved they could see who was in the middle of the group...it was John F. Kennedy. "WOW..check that out" said Louie, "That's sooo cool" , "I.m just a little surprised they never fixed his head!!"
Then then loudspeakers crackled "May we have your attention please..will all the Buddhists please report to the reincarnation auditorium immediately, all petitoners for a second chance please report to annex G...
"You must be crazy to think I'm going to die on an empty stomach" Big Louie said.
"Me either" said Molasses Ralphie.
"Nor I" moaned Sh'egg, still encumbered by one egg beater.
Chad moved from foot to foot, undecided. "Well... he said "The lines are shorter at iHop. I suppose we could come back here later."
"Go guys" JFK whispered. "I haven't had a buttermilk pancake since 63 & it's hell."
"If you want to join us fine...." Sh'egg said to the others as he walked his ass off to iHop along with Blap, Chad, BIg Louie & Mollases Ralphie (hired in case people hated maple syrup).
"HEY!!" Big Louie screamed as they reached iHop. "Here's an electrical outlet. I've got the base."
So Blap & Chad snapped the beaters into the base & set the base from puree to reverse & with a pop, Sh'egg was free. With the application of some iHop whipped cream to Sh'egg's bum he'd be as good as new.
There was no line at all at iHop so they were ushered to a huge table (just in case anyone else joined them)
"OMG!" Chad said. "Look at that cook over there. He's almost the spitting image of Groucho but without the moustache"
"I heard he had a twin brother." Blap said. "Apparently his twin is much nicer & agreeable than the Grouch we know."
"Or he could just be a doppelgänger" Chad replied
"What the hell is a dopey ganger"
"Beats me" Sh'egg said as he opened the menu.....
a loud, freakish, shrieking scream came outta the mouth of the cook in the kitchen. The one that looked like Groucho.
"O mi Gawd," cried Groucho from behind the grill at I-Hop. "You did it. You actually went and did it. Not only did you find a way to bring me back into this black hole of tomfoolery, but you managed to reincarnate me as my own fucking twin brother! Thanks a lot fucking Buddha,..... and you couldn't give me a bigger penis?"
Groucho immediately took the huge cleaver out of the hands of one of the other cooks and began to try to bludgeon himself to death again. It was to no avail. Buddha just kept reincarnating him over and over again.
"How does one go about beating a Buddha at his own game?" Groucho wondered. "I must find this Buddha, speak to him, plead, maybe even offer to go down....on my knees to him...for prayer....and... convince him to let me be reincarnated as some sort of non-living creature. Perhaps some sort of inanimate object, like a Victoria's Secret push-up bra or a pair of college chick's thong panties, you know, a place with a nice view to live out the rest of eternity."
And so, off Groucho marched, in search of Buddha, leaving the others behind to ponder their own destinies and sort out the messy details of their own miserable existence. The best place to find Buddha, was to seek out the Dali Lama and hope for an opening his his busy schedule.
"I know," said Groucho, "I'll stop by the local library and use those fancy internet thingamabobs and look him up on the interwebnet." Groucho used his holiness's website to track him down at his next appearance which turned out to be...........
Watching Groucho try to cleave himself to death, Chad, Sh'egg, Molasses Ralphie & Big Louie felt a tad sorry for the guy & a little ashamed (very little) about how they had treated him.
Sh'egg studied a his plate with a strange holy look on his face, looked up & said: "Wow. Maybe Groucho is on to something. I've found syrup & melting Buddah right here on my waffles."
"Let's trail him", Chad the gumshoe said.
"It's been at least an hour since he tried unsuccessfully to cleave himself" Molasses Ralphie said. "There's no way to find where he is."
Suddenly a rude bleached blonde eating iHop bacon approached the table."I am the Long Island Medium," she said. "My spirits tell me he is at the local library on a computer, now I see him on the Dali Lama's website, now he is looking for his holiness's next appearance. My spirits (& my iPad) say he will be on Jimmy Kimmel Live having been kicked off Dancing with the Stars that night. His holiness could not manage a quickstep without tripping on his robes. My spirits see Groucho has tickets to be in Kimmel's audience & is sitting there as we speak...
And, speaking of spirits, after a few Long Island Medium Iced Teas the bleached blonde revealed that she was really Mrs. Buddah Worth.
"That explains the syrup droplets on my glasses" said Chad.
Molasses Ralphie then offered him an Eye-Pad to clean his glasses.
"I can see clearly now the stain is gone" sang Chad. "We must get back stage before Jimmy becomes a victim of Groucho's Cleavage!"
"Put your panties back on Mrs. Buddah Worth" barked Big Louie, "we need to save Jimmy!"
With a pocket full of condom-mints, Sh'egg yelled "Follow Me!" And he led them to a hole in the....
Story. They wrote themselves into seventh row center seats. As they all scanned the audience someone from behind them said "Why didn't you guys wait up?, I had to stop for a piss!" It was Iver-snide and he looked like he had been crying. Molasses Ralphie spun around and slapped him hard, first with the front then the back of his molassesy hand. The second slap got stuck in Iver-snides hair and Ralphie had to put a boot on his head to pry it loose.
"I smell a cigar" Sh'egg said. Chad sprang into action, there wasn't much time. They all knew Groucho wouldn't hesitate killing Kimmell, after all, he tried to do them all in several times already.
"Mrs. Buddah!, we need your help!, put down that iced tea and make yourself usefull...what do you see???" Chad asked.
Mrs. Buddah Worth stared down at the floor, everyone sat quietly, expecting her to channel some bit of information that would help, basically,waiting for a sign. She stayed that way for what felt like hours, then she spoke.
"Mmmfrrr..Grouscho,...I neeeze a buckess" with that she sat bolt upright and projectile vomited all over the sixth row. Without a bit of forewarning the woman in the flowery hat that sat directly in front of her spun around and butted out a lit cigar on her forehead, Mrs. Buddah Worth barely noticed, she sort of half heartedly swatted at it like it was a fly.
Big Louie grabbed the woman by the hair which came loose, as she stood they could see it was Groucho, he had a cleaver sticking out of his cleavage. He tried to dive sideways but Sh'egg blocked his way. Louie had taken out his emergency bottle of molasses and was pouring it liberally on his hands, he wasn't going to let Goucho get the slip on him this time.
Through all the commotion, no one noticed that Kimmel was standing there next to them, he was angy as hell when he..
....realized the bunch in row 7 & someone in row 8 were making such a commotion as to disrupt his interview with Mr. Lama. It had taken him a few years to get this one & he wasn't about to ruin it. Kimmel had just got to the good part about the Dalai Lama's affair with Heidi Fleiss & how Mr. Lama had achieved Nirvana several times faster than any trip to the monastery.
Kimmel glared at Groucho (who seemed to be the instigator as usual) at the same time motioning for security. Then he bent down & picked up G.'s wig & flowered hat & handed them back to him.
"You can be a transvestite in here," he said, "But you can't smoke!!! Settle down all of you or security will throw you out."....
So, Groucho set his wig on fire, crossed his arms, and shook his head violently yelling "Yaffill Daffill" just before he vanished again.
"Could it be?" asked Kimmel, "The Dalai Lama has reincarnated Baboo from my favorite cartoon!"
"Let's mooove" yelled B'Milk. "We've got to graze our way to the exit."
Once outside Ralphie said that he found a flowery key chain back at the I-Hop, and slipped it into his pocket.
"Give 'em up Sappy" demanded Louie.
But as Ralphie reached into his pocket, his hand got stuck in the molasses.
"Oh, that's just great, how are we gonna get them keys now?" asked Sh'egg.
"Get his pants off" Said Buddah Worth.
"How's that going to get the keys?"
"I dunno, I just want to see him with his pants off" she said blushingly.
Then Iver-Snide came up with another great idea. "Chad, do you still wear that Swiss Army Shoe that I gave you for your Gumshoe graduation? Take the knife and cut the keys out of his pocket."
"Why that's a brilliant idea" chimed Chad as he was releasing the blade from the front of his shoe. He then cut a hole in the bottom of Ralphie's pocket, and the flowered key chain hit the ground.
"Alright! Now we can go find that van that Baboo, I mean, Groucho has been hiding out in."
After a five block hike, Sh'egg said, "Look, it's The Mystery Machine!"
Louie whispered, "Let's form a perimeter around the van, so Groucho doesn't escape again."
As they approached the van, the back door opened, and....
.....there was, Thelma going to town munching on Daphne’s red carpet.
But there was NO sign of any monkey! It turns out the monkey was just a clever ruse to throw the others off the scent. The real Groucho was still back at Kimmel studios and in search of the green room containing the Dalai Lama. Groucho took this opportunity to slip into the green room where the Dalai Lama was awaiting his “Kimmel Live” introduction. Groucho slowly opened the door and found the Dalai Lama playing Halo 3 on a complimentary Nintendo Wii.
"Pardon me father," said Groucho, as he locked and barricaded the door behind him.
"Well, HI there!" replied the Dalai Lama in an extremely effeminate voice."Oh, I'm not a priest, if that was worrying you." Groucho could not get over the man's lisp.
"Well then, what are you, like a.....medicine man or a swami of some sort?”
“No, no. I’m a reincarnated ssssssspiritual leader,” lisped the Dalai, as his Halo 3 character blew the head off of an enemy. He shut the game off and tossed the controller to the side.
“I see. Well, Mr. Lama-” said Groucho.
“Oh that’sss NOT my name, that’s just a title, sssilly! It means I’m a guru! A Teacher, if you will.”
“I won’t and from now on I’ll just call you, Dolly. So, hello Dolly!” Groucho slipped him the grip and they shook hands.
“Are you the man who’s ssssupposed to essscort me to the sssstage?” inquired the Lama.
“Well, Dolly, no. You see, I need you to use your magical powers to reincarnate me into something other than me. An inanimate object, for example. In other words, I don’t ever want to come back as a living being or creature.”
“Oh I sssee,” said the Dalai, as he adjusted and removed his glasses, cleaning them with his decorative and flashy robes.” “But surely you are aware that I possess no such magical powers, only enlightened thinking and understanding compassion for all those -”
Groucho cut him off, “well then, can you summon Buddha or pray to Buddha or talk to Buddha or something and telegram him that I’d prefer to stay dead the next time I die, and not reincarnated at all! I’ll even take a berth in hell if you got one. I’m not choosy on the subject of death; I just need him to leave my dead corpse alone the next time he stumbles across it.”
“I don’t believe I’ve ever encountered sssuch an odd and ssssstrange request. May I assk why? Most of my followerssss look forward to the reincarnation processssssssssssssssss.”
“Dolly, I’m NOT even Buddhist! I’m no follower. For corn sake, I grew up a self hating Jew like all the other kids on my block! But for some reason, when I last died, Buddha decided to reincarnate me and he won’t let me be! All I need from you is to tell him to back off. Or make me into something that can’t feel the pain of being trapped in a world that makes absolutely NO SENSE but keeps going and going and going and won’t end!!!!”
“Firssst of all, Buddha iss not restricted by religiousss affiliationsss, his healing touchess all corpsess and spiritsssss, Jew, Catholic, Muslim alike. Ssssecond, I feel your pain about this dark world we live in and agree regarding the levels and layers of corruption, confusing those, like yourself, who seek the path of truth, enlightenment, and justice in the American way…”
As he rolled his eyes in the back of his head in non-orgasm situation, Groucho asked, “don’t you have a magic stick or wand you can wave at me and turn me into a frog or nice ottoman? Or maybe one of those pleasant sybian machines?”
“No. We cannot request that which we want or desire to be turned into,” replied Dolly.
“Well what does Buddha do, to determine who gets reincarnated into what?” asked G
“Yes!” Dolly continued, “He spins a large wooden wheel and wherever it lands, that’s what you become. There, you happy? I spilled our secret?”
“Well, is there at least an inanimate object category on the wheel?” begged Groucho.
“Jesus H. Buddha, no! All the possibilities are living forms,” snapped the Dolly.
“Well, how many lives do we have to go through? Nine? Like all those cats my aunt Minnie lives with?” Groucho asked.
“You really want to be erased, don’t you?” empathized the Dalai.
“Like a Washington D.C. sex scandal!” replied Groucho.
“Well, then, there is ONE thing I can do for you….I shouldn’t be telling you this, but…I know what you’re going through, and only after appearing in this novel for less than 3 pages. I already want to kill myself off! As your people say, Oi vey already! Can you believe the hack sitting at the computer gave me a LISP! ME! The FUCKING DALAI LAMA – A LISP!!!!”
“Can you skip to the point-“ sighed Groucho.
“If you set yourself on fire in protest of Tibet’s treatment, you don’t have to come back. Buddha considers that like the ultimate act of unselfishness….and enLIGHTenment.” Wink, wink.
“Light myself on fire, huh? I can do that. Thanks Doll! You’re a real Dolly!”
“Yeah, but you have to mean it!” warned the Dalai, adding, “It has to be for the genuine righteous cause of Tibet. Then Buddha has a special place for you and you don’t have to go through reincarnation.”
“Perfect, all I need is lighter fluid, I already got matches!” shouted an ecstatic Groucho.
“It’s gonna burn, you know!” Dalai cried out.
Groucho rolled his eyes, “Oh please, you’re talking to a man who suffered through Chlamydia III and the acting of Hayden Christensen in 2 Star Wars’!”
Groucho thanked the holy man, gave him a cigar, and escaped through a back door in search of lighter fluid. He ran up and down Hollywood Blvd. in search of a mini-mart that sold lighter fluid. He found a place, but the price was too much. He refused to pay that much for a gallon of Lighter fluid that he wasn’t even going to finish using. Please! The man still had principles! He found a sale on lighter fluid and bought that. It was a special brand, used by Buddhist monks for just such occasions. It was called “Fired Up,” the only protest brand lighter fluid approved by the Dalai Lama and Buddhist monks everywhere!
Right on the corner of Hollywood and Highland, Groucho Marx protested the torture of Tibet, with a crudely handmade sign and wearing stolen bed sheets from one of the rooms of the Roosevelt Hotel nearby. He then doused himself with lighter fluid and set himself on fire. He was so casual about the whole affair, that he pulled out a cigar and tried to smoke it in-between screams of pain. There he sat, criss-cross applesauce, in the middle of the road, slowly cooking himself at a very intense 950 degrees F .
When he reached the spiritual world of Nirvana, he was met by the great and mighty Buddha, who took him aside and finally informed Groucho that he was hereby, formally relieved all duties related to this "book with no name..........or comprehensible plot.... "
Now the end????????????????
......That was beautiful!!!...such an eloquently crafted piece of writing that was refreshingly easy to follow...how can we let him go NOW??? He has lobbied to leave, pleaded to go, demanded we stop and now ...self immoliation??? what are we..ANIMALS??
We will certainly need severe counceling, some plot changes and a short grief period.
The Grouch man deserved a break...he invested the time in an applaudable grand finale.
I haven't been this sad since they announced the cancellation of "Made in Jersey" but, we must do the right thing here...Let Groucho go!!
I decree that his name is now strickened from these writings forever after until death do us part.
Maybe a cameo appearance from time to time??? eh Groucho??
As the fire burned down, Mrs. Buddah Worth opened her eco-bag & pulled out a large package of marshmallows. Then as a stranger approached the gang, she said "This is my son Graham, Graham Cracker Jr. by my first husband."
"S'MORES!" Molasses Ralphie screamed excitedly, fishing in his camping pants for the half-melted chocolate egg he had been sitting on.
Mrs. Buddah Worth tossed a marshmallow to each of the gang & one to Chip Monk (who'd joined them for no apparent reason.) Then Graham gave of himself like the proverbial loaves & fishes story & Ralphie contributed the chocolate.
"Wait 'til there are nice hot coals." Big Louis said. He had years of experience perfecting that recipe from when he was a boy scout to now when he was a big buoy.
Sh'egg breathed deeply, contented, relaxing in the forest, the wind blowing softly. Drifting off...drifting...
"COALS ARE READY!!" Blap Cranepool (the sterno fire guy) bellowed
Everyone made a stampede toward the campfire.
"I just knew there'd be s'more to this story" Iver-snide announced...
Well, this was certainly not what I was expecting after reading the title of this thread.
Edit: I just realized this is currently on page 6. How many times has that joke been made? 6?